Dear Comcast: It’s not me, it’s you

Listen Comcast, I don’t mean to be harsh, but I don’t think this is working out.

I had my suspicions that things might not go so well on our first date, when a technician came out to set things up. He was a really nice guy, but the fact that he couldn’t actually figure out how to hook up the cable box to the TV was mildly concerning. When we had to gently suggest that he put the HDMI cable in the “HDMI Out” hole, I worried a bit. But I decided to cut him some slack. It’s only part . . . or most . . . or basically his entire job . . .

Of course, he also did our phone and internet. Or not really. He couldn’t figure out the phone bit. “Just call and they’ll send someone else out,” he assured us, as though it was perfectly reasonable. Again I thought to myself, I’m not sure if this relationship is going anywhere. But I bit my tongue. We’d at least try for the second date.

And oh, what a second date we had.

When, after a 20 minute wait, we managed to get in touch with someone and schedule an appointment to have a tech come out and fix our phone, I thought the 10:00 AM – 12:00 PM window that you gave me seemed pretty reasonable. Things are looking up, I thought. He’ll come, he’ll fix the phone, and we’ll be done in time for lunch and an afternoon out.

But you didn’t come.

When I finally lost my patience and called at 1:00, you told me there’d been a mistake: the window was actually 8:00 AM – 2:00 PM. Okay, I thought, through gritted teeth. Every relationship has some bumps. Miscommunications are common. He’ll be here within the hour and we can pretend that everything is fine.

But you still didn’t come.

Like a spurned lover I dialed your phone number, ready to hear your heartfelt apologies. If you could have just apologized, maybe things might have worked out. But I was in for a rude awakening: you informed me that the window was actually 8:00 AM – 8:00 PM.

Listen, Comcast. Let’s get real for a second here: you expect your paying customers to wait on you for 12 hours? In what world is that acceptable? How can that possibly be a real policy? Do your other girlfriends routinely take this abuse??

I held the phone in my shaking hand and watched my 2.5 year-old run around the living room with a cardboard box on her head, losing her mind from being stuck in the house all day, and I started to let myself think that this might be the end of our relationship. I tried to reason with you, but all you could say was that you couldn’t do anything about it. You couldn’t explain the multiple miscommunications. You couldn’t get anyone out any earlier. You couldn’t tell me when the tech might come. You couldn’t, in short, do a damn thing.

Still, I held out a glimmer of hope. Like every abused woman before me, I thought that maybe, just maybe, if you came through on this, if you just fixed the phone and apologized, we could work things out. You’d be here by 8:00 PM. There was still hope.

But again. you. didn’t. come.

You just never showed up. I waited twelve hours for you, stuck in the house with my insane toddler, and you never came. I’m willing to give my all to this relationship, Comcast, but if you’re not even going to show up, what can I do?

This needs to end.

I know what you’re going to say: “You have to stay with me – there’s no one else out there for you! Besides, do you really think any other provider is going to treat you any better?”

Don’t be the abusive boyfriend, Comcast. You could be right. Maybe I never will find true, TV provider love. But I deserve better than you. And nothing you say to me will make me stay. Maybe all the TV providers out there will be abusive jerks too. But how will I know unless I try? I have to open my heart to love again. I have to give another provider a chance.

Because honestly Comcast? You had your chance. And you blew it.